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Taking the rise out of ‘Tell Mama’ again, well why not, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

September 3, 2013

What! You expect me to take Tell Mama seriously, your having a laugh.

The dissemblers of Tell Mama have put out an interesting guide to ‘mosque safety’. I looked at it and thought. This guide is so ripe for piss-taking that I thought I’d have a go.

tell mama document to take rise out of

Above is the original mosque safety leaflet from Tell Mama, my interpretation about what each sector really means is below.

  1. Ensure that there are as few dimly intelligent people within your mosque as possible. After all you wouldn’t want your mosque members to get the sort of broad education that can help Muslims from becoming mentally trapped in the 7th Century.
  1. CCTV equipment is now affordable, but make sure that the sort you buy has a very low 380 TVL resolution so that ‘self harm’ mosque burnings can be blamed on whoever you choose.
  1. Get to know your local Safer Neighbourhood Team and whine like hell about how oppressed you are. Politically correct police make the perfect Dhimmis.
  1. Make sure that you repair broken windows that way local non Muslims will not be able to hear your hatred of non Muslims or members of the congregation promoting terror.
  1. Make sure your lies are shatterproof, that way you are less likely to be caught out. Contact Tell Mama, who have a lot of experience in this field.
  1. Do check out visitors to your mosque, especially non-Muslim ones to find out whether or not they will be stupid enough to convert to Islam.
  1. Talk complete bullshit to your local residents. Always use some sort of rubbish phrase such as ‘community resource for all’ to describe mosque building and expansion plans. Local residents need to be kept completely in the dark about such things as much as possible.
  1. Infiltrate your local interfaith forum where you can lie your heads off to naive local Vicars, Priests and Rabbis about the nature of Islam. This is a very good environment to use the ultimate bullshit description of Islam, the religion of peace.
  1. Make sure that you have the contact details of the most easily swayed local councilor. If they are a naïve hippy Christian type all the better. Never leave them alone and keep pestering them with constant whining. Bent council staff are also a great resource.  Who knows in a few years you could help to turn an English market town into Tower Hamlets.
  1. In an emergency call 999 and ask the police for the f****ing moon on a stick. Our police are now so tied up with political correctness and diversity rules that they will probably give you the f***ing moon on a stick, if you ask loud enough. If you do call the police scream and stamp your feet and threaten, and refuse to speak to anything less than a superintendent. Remember, your Islamic, you’re a member of the worlds premier special needs religion.

Remember: Engaging with local residents and lying through your teeth to them can make a real difference in getting them to trust you. If that don’t work then threaten them, or threaten to rape their daughters, after all that’s the policy that worked really well when the Muslims invaded India, Egypt, the Levant, Syria, Iran, Iraq etc.

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