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Some questions for the would be suicide bomber to think about

October 15, 2012

Courtesy of JaneyEnglish

Before embarking on their one off explosive career as a Shahid, and expecting 72 virgins as a reward for blowing up a hospital or whatever for allah, here are some questions that the wannabe Islamic martyr should ask themselves.  

  • 1) What if the bomber wants girls with more experience?
  • 2) What if one virgin is no good in bed? Does she get replaced or is he stuck with 71?
  • 3) If he’s gay, does he get male virgins?
  • 4) What if he’s celibate? What does he get?
  • 5) What if he hasn’t reached puberty yet? Does he get 72 Xboxes till he comes of age?
  • 6) If he’s bi, does he get 36 of each?
  • 7) If he blows himself up while building the bomb, does he still get credit?
  • 8) What do you call a relationship with 72 women, a menage-a-soixante-douze?
  • 9) Are they like 72 wives or 1 wife and 71 concubines?
  • 10) What if he’s ugly or smells bad and the virgins don’t want anything to do with him?
  • 11) Is there viagra in paradise? Ya know, just in case?
  • 12) Is there an age of consent?
  • 13) When they’re deflowered, do they get replaced by new virgins or are they “born again”?
  • 14) Do they become his common-law wives eventually?
  • 15) If he has a tryst with a 73rd virgin, do the others consider it cheating?
  • 16) Do the virgins have a union? If so, can they strike if they’re not satisfied?
  • 17) Is there a temp agency that replaces virgins if they call in sick?
  • 18) What if the bomber’s into animals? Does he get accommodated?
  • 19) Why 72? Is 71 too few? Is 73 too many?
  • 20) If it was a female bomber, how do the male virgins prove their virginity?
  • 21) What happens when paradise runs out of virgins?
  • 22) Can a bomber make reservations on specific virgins before he blows himself up?
  • 23) If there are no virgins available, is he put on a waiting list?
  • 24) If he’s a Catholic priest, does he get 72 little boys?
  • 25) Would you call a female bomber a bombshell?
  • 26) Would you call a child bomber a bombino?
  • 27) Is it not 73 out of respect for Barry Bond’s home run record?
  • 28) If the bomber previously dated one of the virgins, does it get awkward?
  • 29) Do they have a bomb squad in paradise just in case one of the charges didn’t go off?
  • 30) Did they start using female bombers because they ran out of virgins for the guys?
  • 31) If she’s a lesbian, do they “convert” the virgins, or will straight girls suffice her?
  • 32) Does a hermaphrodite bomber get hermaphrodite virgins?
  • 33) If so, are there 72 available?
  • 34) If they run out of virgins, do they get inflatable dolls till they find more?
  • 35) If a bomber finds an infidel in paradise, can he blow him up and get 72 more virgins?
  • 36) Could the Koran have had a typo and it actually provided just one 72 year old virgin?
  • 37) Is Muslim hell being one of the 72 virgins?
  • 38) Instead of 72 guys, would a female bomber settle for 1 man who does dishes and garbage?
  • 39) Do the bombers go broke on Valentine’s Day?
  • 40) If he’s monogamous, does he pick one of the 72 or does he get a supermodel?
  • 41) What if he doesn’t like either gender? Does he just klutz around in paradise?
  • 42) Eternity is long, and eventually he’ll grow bored of his 72 women. What happens then?
  • 43) How does he pick the 72 to begin with? Lottery? Beauty pageant? Police lineup?
  • 44) Is he allowed to covet his neighbour’s virgins?
  • 45) Do the virgins have agents and/or contracts?
  • 46) If so, can a virgin request to be traded or put on waivers if she’s unhappy?
  • 47) What should he say if one of the virgins asks “Does this Burka make me look fat?”
  • 48) If he gives the wrong answer, is he uh, screwed?
  • 49) How is anyone expected to handle a catfight amongst 72 women?
  • 50) Did the 9/11 hijackers who didn’t know they were going to die get 72 virgins too?
  • 51) Are scouts employed to find virgin talent?
  • 52) Do the virgins ever retire, or do they remain virgins forever?
  • 53) If they retire, what kind of pension plan do they get?
  • 54) Wouldn’t it be interesting if they’re virgins because they’re ugly?
  • 55) So is it 72 Muslim girls or like, 1 virgin from every culture?
  • 56) Wouldn’t it be sweet if Lorena Bobbit got hired as one of the virgins?
  • 57) What does Gloria Steinem have to say about all this?
  • 58) When he gets home, does he have to say “How was your day?” to all 72 virgins?
  • 59) Do they have counselling for sex addiction in paradise?
  • 60) If the virgins start hogging the remote, is he in hell?
  • 61) They must take up an entire theater when they go to the movies, huh?
  • 62) Are there restaurants in paradise that can accommodate a reservation for 73?
  • 63) If a virgin suffers from multiple personalities, is she considered two virgins?
  • 64) Does he get all the virgins at once, or do they have an installment plan?
  • 65) Is the bomber entitled to subsitutes, exchanges, or refunds?
  • 66) What if all the king’s horses and all the king’s men can’t put the bomber together again?
  • 67) Is “not tonight, dear, I have a headache” a valid excuse in paradise?
  • 68) Do the virgins come with a warranty?
  • 69) If so, does paradise replace defective parts and provide on-site service?
  • 70) What do you call a lifetime warranty if you’re dead?
  • 71) Do siamese twin bombers get 144 virgins?
  • 72) Who gets to clean up all those nasty sheets????
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